What the fuck!

I am happy. Satisfied. So devoid of frugality. I find myself backtalking to these guys who are so cautious of grades,C.G.s, projects and all the shit responsible for making life hell.
I have been overtaken by this sedentary state of affairs. Even as I know I am losing, am letting things just worsen, I look on. Not trying, not protesting to make a change. Its surreal. Its almost living a vision from a third person, some alter egoes, someone I don't know, but like I am standing with him, perhaps sipping an espresso and watch as some guy is being bamboozled with feebleness with arcane consistency and daunting scenarios beyond comprehensions. Its like being imbued with a stillness, like suffering a heart attack and have a laugh filled with the same muscle. Perhaps, I am amused with a fools demeanor, like waiting and watching the depth of anguish, falling and getting giddy, tickled with the wind sifting through my clothes, but the composure is still unnerving, knowing I will fall flat on my face, the outcome is so sure, so ominous. Its a drug which intoxicates, which numbs you beyond consceintious awareness. Which makes you break into a giggle, or even laugh hysterically, when you cut yourself, and observe as life drips out, oozing into a bright red stream. This quixoticity is what inhabits my mind. So aware I am losing every minute.But I don't even break into a despair, I am still smiling as I punch these keys, so relaxed, so damn careless. I even have an exam tomorrow, but heck at 2 am I am settling more 'important' issues here. My folks say, "Decide what's important. Think what matters at the moment. Figure out what you have to do. What will go a long way. Realize your purpose." But here I am spendthrift, reckless and nonchalant to all the jazz. The question with the most cartesian logistics arises that, "Why?" I don't know. I don't care. I don't want to know. But I know it should not last long. There are bigger, much more epochal things at stake here, which perhaps lay down the foundations for my life, define my identity in society, in my own eyes. Its not me who says that, social constraints do. Its not like I am not inclined to this profession, I am a cut-out, atleast I believe in that. Even if I am not, I would try as hell to be one. Provided I have a purpose. A purpose to live for, to dedicate myself to it, a purpose to die for. Till then I guess, I shall wait, saunter around this institute which guarantees a job at the end of four years. I have said that before. You guys who are with me when this blog was still nascent know that. But as the paradox of this life goes, proffering you unsavoring choices, taken with a pinch of salt. These very travails on my free spirit are the stairways to my summit. I have to bow, defer to them, yet am scared to show them my eyes. Eyes, which are your unoccluded passages of feelings. For they will meet resent and seditious crater of a hackeneyed life. These random spoonfuls are a consequence of the times when I cant bear, I cant put up. Scared to react in a way the world wouldn't allow, I find respite here. My haven.
I'll end now.
I don't want to.
I want to propose.
To depose.
To be inspired.
To wake up.

Or maybe, this is just a dream...I sincerely do hope that.

ooIIo oIIoo