The Pigment Of Elusion

It seems through your inept sights, that everyone has a perfect life. Something which you do not. Everything which you would like to have. I was in a dire judgment of such a perspective. No chronicles of my equally vapid life, sometime before, a time which just left its clutches, which just allowed me to be in equanimity, atleast for the time being. A relapse.

Feels like retribution. Feels like denial. Feels like deafening silence.

When I lay supine to troubles, things that I strive to avoid, which detest me and the fates keeps testing patience, the fates acts like a flippant child, affecting me beyond mindless charades. The road, the path, the way. It feels home when I am traveling, ironically when I am away from home, from any settlement. That's when I feel relaxed, find my misplaced choler. Strange paradoxes. A fine semblance of a highly esoteric setting.
I don't feel anything I feel sometimes. What my clay-like, malleable emotions show, when their legitimacy can be questioned. It doesn't rasp hard on me to explore my infirmity to the most primal traits, which are no traits at all.
I bend my self so much sometimes, that when the impediment passes away, I look back at myself like some stranger in a public place. People are so busy with their lives, they have so much to do. Cherubic, ebullient personalities. Magnificent dwellers of this cradle of life.
What do I suffice for then? What role do distraughts like me play, if you excuse me to call myself a distraught. I am lost, in the most definitive way. I need sermons, advises, better spread than used.
Like assholes, everyone has one advice...to give. But I feel assholes are better, in every sense of perception. Kinky.
But I am ravaged to find people, particularly parents sermonizing over my head. They are so many of them, and they ensnare in so many ways. Opportunists. All they do at the end of the day is hark or their egos. Inflate them, larger than their worths.
I'd like to return. To someplace. To the roads, connections, and stay itinerant.
There are such wonderful people that think about me. Remember me. Its my serenade for carrying on. Its also my motivation that invigorates me. Its for people like them, for times like those, which we spent and I learnt to spend again. If nothing material, thats what I have earnt hitherto. Society? Do I so often contradict myself?

Thats why I love the lanes. They do not intersect, do not concur. No contradictions. Such unequivocality of character. Indomitable in a way. The perfection of attribute the wisdom of ages has preached.
Anyhow...
Take a break sometime. Ostracize yourself from your mortal indulgences and absorb silence. Stay away from the race for sometime. Atleast in which sense does 'the race' translate to you.
And when you regain, you find just what link you are, just about which brick are you in the wall.
Not self-centricity. Its esoteric in situation I would rather say.

I cry sometimes. I don't make noises, I don't get tears in my eyes. I know that I am crying. I am bereaving. The nerve-wreak. Not really. The invocation is very discreet. A piece of guitars in a song, a marigold-flower garlands at those innumerable hawkers at signals. The perceptions are unique, to its predecessors.

That's me looking back at the stranger who writes all this perhaps.
Whatever I theorize however, if I ever muster the concentration, is defenestrated then and there, piqued by another invocation. And that's the way the cookie keeps crumbling.
I'll return to someplace however, my academic enterprise. To commence, this time more weary than before, more single minded.

Atleast I'll try.

Bon Voyage to you too...

Like Humans Do

Tell me what is the shortest distance between a woman and a man?
Yes, right, a woman and a man, the single most rudimentary classification of all pertinent life on earth, or in more plebian terms the world. A Woman and A Man. We all count the world by them, relationships between them, all kinds of them, and which is transcending the humanity since its very inception is the coupling of marriage. The ultimate consummatory commitent. One man to a woman, and in all its entirety also the vice versa. Its one of those elementary concepts on which entire cultures have been built. The institution of marriage, a marriage between a woman and a man. Much should not be looked into however, whether I mention a man before woman or vice versa. Well there is nothing profoundly questionable about this atomic school of social existence. Its translates perfectly into the methods in which we are are built and ingrained with instincts. So innate are they, that they have defined humanity as a race and the way it copulates. Reproduction, the most wonderful of all phenomenon, not to support or facilitate, but to generate life itself, is by far the most venerated and sacrosanct phenomenon that we all in all its sanctity pay deference to.

It drove me to interesting questions though. What came first, the institution of marriage or the need to reproduce? Are marriage's foundations built on the very fact that a communion of a woman and a man can create life, a very selfish and frugal thought for our existence as a species? Is reproduction unto marriage or marriage unto reproduction? What is the implicit purpose of a marriage, if thought on a much more wider scale, rather than individualistic? Would it so happen that if in the future by any chance if the human race is on the verge of extinction not unto any natural or earthly force, unthreatened I propose, would the subsequent government accede to polygamy and most values that are tantamount to crime today viz. having more than one sexual partners, which we sheepishly refer to as a fling today? All this to merely copulate and muster our numbers. Where do the boundaries dissolve then? Are we all living a big and basic lie built upon the needed to exist and survive as a race and eventually went to hell with it! No I don't challenge all the cushy emotions of heterosexual existence, but what just started out as an extraordinary, perhaps instinctive reveries, or even possibly an inquisitive bodily explorations of our cavemen forefathers, has compounded and wonderously translated into a way of life? All of talk about getting old, having a 'family' and finding 'the one' and grow old with that person, does it impinge, granted you consider for a moment that we as males and females are not confounded by the ultimate sin, that we are more inundated by what happens around us than what we really want, or do not want at all? Is being a homosexual one big insult, like someone who commands all slander upon his or her very existence? What's the big deal about having sex anyways, just that it is five minutes or maybe more depending on your own capacities and satisfaction parameters, of pure and unadulterated euphoria. Yes I agree that you are totally bereft of all things that go inside your psyche, even for a millisecond, in an orgasm. It is by far the most natural and harmless drugs straight for his, or her if some conscious activist might be offended, factory. By the way, the only other method to be iotically freed of all worries in the most nimble and expeditious way is nothing more profound that a simple sneeze. You cant even keep your eyes open. An orgasm is just another protracted aliter to this heavenly state or nirvana. Historically, this habitat of amalgamation has altered the course of our world, and has changed the way we are today. Countless decisions may have been abated, altered or even exonerated, if we would not be leading the life we are made to live. The beautiful deception of nature is however, the natural predilection we all have, the extra lean towards the opposite sex, on all matters and propositions. And we all celebrate and cavort in this serenditpity or one of the prophecies that might have read on the signposts to the garden of Eden. The rules and the logical overrides. Is it our fate, our destined ascent as the most prevalent species on the face of this planet? Yes we have the most cogent of all brains that roam and inhabit this land, but mere intelligence and acuity does not guarantee survival. One major incontrovertible norm is that of population. Entire species of more adroit beings can be wiped off by some lesser breeds based upon the arithmetic of sheer numbers. And this is where this phenomenon to procreate has gained favor of being referred to as the animal instinct. Its the only quarter where bulls and beavers are more felicitous than us, refer to the various synonyms that are used to epitomize ferocious and passionate lovemaking, a bull, a tiger etc etc.

But is companionship all that we want? Is sex that you would look for in a relationship after five years, talking on mundane terms? Is not what matters in the end is friendship or rather companionship? Does only the father have the right to raise a child, if there is another equally concerned individual to take care, or do we need to refer to as men and women at all? Do the lines shimmer away somewhere down the line when all we talk of is companionship? What's the world's infatuation with the three letter word anyways? Can two people of opposite sexes and of course proximate ages stay together without the need to get physical with each other? Isn't sex ultimately pleasure? A pleasure that can be savored eyes closed, without the thought of who is giving it to you, or rather a person of which sex is giving it to you?

If all these questions are in the affirmative to contemplate, then all this brouhaha of virility and chivalry subsides to almost being non sensical. Males trying to outsmart and compete for females, as is a phenomenon across all life forms, but accounting on the difference of our mental prowess, we can make an attempt to understand and counter relate to all these norms about having sex. A very liberal and abstrusely inviting thought, but only hampered by this necessary evil of being a part of the society. Does it help to be bi-curious? It gives a better understanding and a psychological advantage of understanding the two sides of the proverbial coin.
Even as I stretch my thoughts and posit questions and theories one after other, I don't know if I bely my own proclivities, since half of my life has been spent hopelessly wooing the opposite sex... Anyways, Is the human mind, considering the chemical evolution of all our glands and brain, ready for this? Does it all at the end of the day boil down to finding the right person and get on with it? I am being flagrant and at times fraudulent some of my hypothetical readers may believe. After all, marriage is not to fortify your spouse's body, with a seal of consummation on your partner, its not about really finding each other on the bed only. The plug and socket theory goes a long way, but its not the only one that goes. The most beautifully advertised relationship of friendship does. So I do provide aliter questions too. This also does mean, there is nothing called as 'straight', 'gay' and 'lesbian'. Bi-curious is a more pertinent word. So the next time we see an attractive opposite sex, particularly males, and as they inadvertently fawn all the way down to the cleavage, it might ring a bell, that is that the ultimate thing? The epochal factor? Would you be happier with a member of the same sex that understands you and fully compliments you or with some opposite sex who is sparsely involved and your union serves fewer things more than promulgating your family tree? Alternatively, does some man who is not your husband who does not hit with his opinions over your head mean more to you than some cavalier imperious male you got married to?

Who is everything you want, who is everything you need,
who is everything inside of you that you wish you could be?
Who said all the right things at exactly the right time,
And you wish he means much more to you, whether you know why or not is another matter.
The stale old concepts of 'winning your girl' though eventually debauching into 'whining at your girl', alternatively stereotyping a sex's role, all talking into the judgemental periphery the issues of rights and socialist norms, eventually does translate into this single most ecclestial fact.
I am in no way being contemptuous to this splendid practice of getting married. Its just a progeny of a more liberal onset of life that is possible in today's world. And in no way, is this wicked or scarilegous. If it still found out to be, then I guess it is the intial friction of a non conformist and largely embryonic idea, as all others likewise are destined to receive.

Like Humans Do.
Like Humans Do.

Zikes!!!

Zhis zis zan zincstinctive zeice zof zhit zor zomeone zery zear zo ze...
zo ze zrites za zpasmodic zestimonial zor ze zellow!

zhere zis zit:

~~~~~~~

ze karthik
ze innocent sinner
ze monsieur for perturbed souls
ze black minded creep hunter
ze emancipator of hell...from hell
ze son of regularity
ze malcontent of gentetic breeds
ze grevious error of doctrinaires
ze rebel
ze irregular
ze self believer
ZSH!
ze is not jokin
ze is not his birthday today
but anyways ze is praising ze
ze are good
ze is lucky to have you
ze is not gay
ze is just praising
ze hasnt done anything good for a long time
ze does it now

~~~~~~~~~~

[spits chewing gum out]
[also removes and peels off the mashed and lacy remains from fingers]

[back to normal speech]


PS: ZSH? Thats hindi for LOL! meaning..."zor se hansi"...LOL! or rather ZSH!

Apparently the only eminent name that remians unstired by this neurotic onslaught is Zinadine Zidane, and please, please dont try this at home ZSH!

We just keep it coming...
ZSH!

?

Suddenly, fear looms large. The clockworks are ticking, inescapably, with terrible finality. My transition is all to banal. Few thoughts that merge into a conscience overpowering their fitful predecessors and being testimony to my composition have been bacchanal in discrimination. I look outside, in the environs, finding anomalies, anything, however lecherous or however poignant the venture may be. I don't leave anything. And to stumble upon a conscionably disgusting proposition, there is a repeated, incessant and vicious loop. My devilish quirks pique my memories. They pique until I bang my head in malaise, some puke that cant be let out, somefever that cant be sweat out. One half laughing at myself, upon the puerile convictions, other contemplating, why does it pique me? Suddenly then, a toothsome female comes and stands beside me. I look the other way. I look too busy, like I have the President to meet in 10 minutes and my chopper is not here, so I am grabbing a bite at this food court. (Figure out the obvious yourself) This female, is too bewitched with my lechery to be left bereft of my equally penetrating gaze. Then suddenly, she spills food just there, right there. exactly to wash my eyes, or rather the view all red and green.
I look the other way.

So does obscenity. What is obscenity? How do you define obscenity? I am not questioning anyone. These thoughts ring clear in my head. If I am wrong to look at her "wherever" what am I doing wrong? Does sit mean that I am not a man of morals? Does it mean that people like me shag in their bathrooms to satisfy their own promiscuous desires? Or is it wrong to have these desires?

What all do these people around me think? Does anyone around them matter to them? At all?
Or is their own cavalier pretensions supreme to everything else? Mine are though.
What substantiates all this? All this rigmarole of mental haze? Where the obvious is obfuscated by something the viewer is not able to discern. Perhaps the subject does not want to discern. Its so shameful. It is so poignantly disappointing. Something for which they would throw up there hands and say, I don't deserve to live. Something they are too scared to do. These 'they' include me too. Is this is a precipice for insanity? Some realms best left unsaid, are beneficial the lesser thought about, leave alone talk about.

Is blood the color of introspection?

Does everyone hide a prospective murderer? Or are firearms for inhumans? Or are wars fought for these same reasons, reasons of momentous people, who can alter histories, started satisfying their own contemptuous desires, in a dastardly method to set everything right, they kill everyone? They know no fraternity, to benignance. Nothing.

Or am I a fugitive, still caged to this mire so disruptive, that I may not emerge alive from it? I am alone here. No family with me. Neither their thoughts, not responsibilities. But that is another indictment of myself and this rebarbative and ulcerated creature inside.

I helped clean that toothsome beauty up.